The postpartum period, for me at least, is often fraught with self-criticism. If the baby doesn’t sleep, or the big kids eat mac and cheese three days in a row, or I forget to feed the dog… for a few days… I usually blame myself. And not in the “oops I goofed” kind of way, but more in the “I’m a bad mom” kind of way.
As a former teacher, and regular consumer of parenting content, I know that I would be heartbroken if I heard my children labeling themselves in this way. However, intentionally or not, I not only do it to myself, but sometimes to them as well. While it can be difficult to silence my impulse to explain away some of my kids’ behaviors by telling strangers at the park that “she’s shy,” or “he’s clingy,” I know that if my kids hear these labels, they might also begin to internalize them–much like I have.
One night last week, I was perusing Instagram while nursing my son (as many a new mom is wont to do), when I stumbled across a post by Chazz Lewis (@mrchazz) discussing the difference between shame and guilt. In the post, Lewis talked about how shaming ourselves for our mistakes and shortcomings is counterproductive. For example, when we label ourselves as incapable or hopeless, we are more likely to live up to that standard. On the other hand, he argued that guilt, when experienced in place of shame, is productive, as it allows us to feel uncomfortable in a way that is motivating, instead of limiting. (Brene Brown also talks about this concept in her book Daring Greatly, passages from which are summarized here.)
Over the past three weeks, I have made a conscious effort to notice, and name, when I am unnecessarily “shaming” myself. While this effort hasn’t necessarily stopped me from labeling myself in some pretty counterproductive ways from time to time, it has stopped me from living in these labels. When I’ve had a long, sleepless night and can’t seem to find the energy to smile, I’m not the “sad mom” my inner critic wants me to think I am. When I get short with my son after he rams the swivel chair into a freshly painted wall, I’m not a “mean mom,” or an “angry mom,” I’m just human.
The more I try to be conscious of my tendency to “label” and “shame” myself, the more I’ve noticed myself doing it–in big, and small ways. When I burned the first batch of pancakes at breakfast the other day, I turned to the kids and told them they’d have to wait, because I was “so forgetful.” My daughter laughed and said “yeah, you are,” which, weirdly enough, surprised me. Because you know what? I’m not that forgetful. Do I forget appointments and burn pancakes every once in a while? For sure. But I also retain an incredible amount of other information. For example, I remember what time my newborn son last ate, exactly how many hours of sleep he got last night, and which boob he last nursed from. I remember all 70 items I need to order from the grocery store, as well as the 15 I need to pick up from Target. Every time we wash hands, I remember to ask my son if he wants to turn the faucet on before I do it myself, and exactly how wide to open my daughter’s closet door at night.
When my daughter agreed that I was forgetful, she hadn’t come to that conclusion herself. In fact, if I had asked her cold, she probably would have thought I do a great job remembering things. But I had called myself something, and she, being a literal four-year-old, assumed it to be true.
This differentiation between guilt and shame, and my newfound mission to identify where and when I’m allowing myself to sit in each, has been instrumental in allowing me to learn from, instead of being broken by, the mistakes that I will inevitably continue to make (especially during this exhaustion-fueled phase of early motherhood). My dearest hope is that, as my children grow, they’re able to accept all of the parts of themselves (the good, and the bad), as just that: parts. While I know that the world will try to label them, or tell them they “are” a certain type of way, I hope to give them the skills to know better. And before I can do that for them, I have to make sure I do it for myself as well.