The Paper Dart
An ode to creativity and distraction

Week in Review – November 5, 2020

How I’m Feeling:

This week has been a weird one for sure. The election, and the combativeness and hostility that has come along with it, have really gotten me riled up. If I’m being totally honest, I have some controlling tendencies. I sometimes have a hard time letting go of things that are outside of my control, and can find myself overwhelmed by unresolvable frustration when I can’t “fix” or “change” things. I am making a conscious effort to get better at this, and have actually found Melody Beattie’s The Language of Letting Go to be particularly helpful in this arena.

But this week, I found myself falling back into some old, bad patterns. A few people I talked to reminded me that I need to start accepting the fact that there will always be people (people I love and care about more specifically) who have beliefs and values that are different than mine, and that it’s OK for them to have these beliefs and values. In theory, I understand this. I know that I am far from the smartest person in the world, and that everyone’s opinions are colored by their own belief systems and unique life experiences.

The problem now is that those “personal beliefs” are so often muddied by news outlets, on both sides, that position politicians or their policies as unequivocally “right.” To be honest, I find this both annoying, and offensive. What we need, is information, the space and trust to engage in our own, rational, dialogues around it, and the opportunities to make our own moral determinations.

On the other hand, I also don’t believe in moral relativism. I think that, on certain issues in particular, there is a clear right and wrong, and no one’s context or personal perspective will change that. I think that there are certain human rights that should not be up for debate, and certain modes of behavior that are always unacceptable. So, in short, I’m struggling. How do I “let go,” and respect the opinions of others (which I know are well-intentioned), when I feel so strongly that some of those opinions are, intentionally or not, hurtful and dangerous? How do I dedicate my career(s) (as both a teacher and a mother) to teaching children how to be fair and critical consumers of information, and then sit back and watch our own, trusted media outlets fail to live up to this pretty simple standard. (Literally though, it’s a 5th grade standard.) Sigh. If you have any thoughts for me, or just want to commiserate, lemme know.

What I’m Reading:

The Year of the Witching

This was my last “spooky” read of the season and, overall, I really enjoyed it. In the novel, the protagonist, Imanuelle, lives in the town of Bethel, which seems to be a fictionalized, and even more terrifyingly supernatural version of Puritan New England. This book touches on concepts like religious extremism, racism, and misogyny, and focuses heavily on the physical and sexual exploitation of the women in Bethel. I am a huge fan of both The Crucible and Women Talking, and I loved that this book digs into many of the same themes. I really enjoyed the fact that Imanuelle’s primary journey in this novel is one of self-reflection and personal growth–wherein she realizes that she has more power and good in her than anyone in her community would allow her to believe. (There’s also a good romance subplot sprinkled in there for good measure.)

While this book was exciting to read, and the setting was masterfully drawn, I had trouble really connecting with a few of the characters. Imanuelle was a little too self-effacing for my liking, and seemed to come to the same realization several times over. There were a few other characters who also didn’t feel as fully fleshed out as I would have liked them to be–particularly the witches, who I thought had the potential to be a really interesting and complex component of the story. Still, I’d give this book at least a 4.5/5 and definitely recommend it, despite the fact that the official “Spooky Season” has come to an end.

What My Kids Are Reading:

The Very First Americans – Cara Ashrose

I purchased this book in preparation for the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday and was thoroughly surprised by how intrigued my 3.5 year old daughter was by it. The book describes the different American Indian tribes who lived in different areas of the country, prior to the arrival of Europeans. Margot had a lot of questions about the pictures (why do they all have long hair?), as well as the descriptions of their lifestyle (but why do they have to kill the buffalo?). She spent a full five minutes on the page that explained how the Sioux preferred living in tipis because they were so portable, and made a very cute connection to her own toy tipi, which she and her brother are always demanding I move to a different room in the house. This book is a little dated, and I was worried that it would read that way, but I actually found it very respectful and super informative. A definite recommend for the upcoming holiday season.

What I’m Listening To:

Holding Space – Cassidy Freitas

I have loved this podcast for a while, as it really speaks honestly about the beautiful, and difficult parts of motherhood. Dr. Cassidy is a Marriage and Family Therapist, and mother of young children, who shares her own experience as a new mom, as well as patterns she has gleaned from her research and practice. On this episode, she and Chasity Holcomb (of @momfully.you and momfullyyou.com) talk about how difficult the transition to motherhood can be–specifically as it relates to identity and a mom’s sense of self. I related to a lot of what both women had to say, and took away a few reminders, and some new tips–all of which I hope will help me make a plan for how I can set boundaries for myself when baby #3 arrives this spring. I highly recommend this episode to all moms, but particularly new moms, or expecting ones.

What I’m Wearing:

About two months ago, my family added another member to the brood: a wild, gorgeous, mixed-breed rescue puppy named Lemon. While I love her oodles, she eats EVERYTHING. A few weeks ago, she tore apart a few of my favorite sweaters, and my ABSOLUTE favorite shoes of all time, my Seychelles Mules. (Cue tiny violins). So, this week I purchased a few new sweaters, as well as TWO new pairs of mules… because it’s probably best to have a backup. You can check out my purchases by following the links below.

What We’re Playing:

We recently purchased this Sight Word Swat game, and Margot is surprisingly obsessed with it. The set comes with about 100 sight words, color-coded by difficulty. Parents can lay a set of words on the table, and then yell them out (I guess you don’t have to yell, but what’s the fun in that?) one at a time. The first player to swat the correct word gets to keep it. It’s a game I played in my middle school classroom (with vocab words for different units), and am loving watching my daughter get excited about it at home as well.

Until Next Time:

Thanks for reading friends, and I hope the weekend ahead is full of relaxation and a well-deserved vacation from the news. Drop me a comment or a DM if you want to chat – I appreciate you all more than you know!

AND, you can now follow me on Pinterest! Do it:

The Paper Dart

The Great Escape: The Best Adult, YA and Children’s Fantasy Books

It’s shaping up to be a pretty weird week in America. With a hotly contested election on the horizon, the threat of protests from both sides of the aisle, and an ongoing pandemic, we could all use a break, and a little lightness in our lives.

Below, I have compiled a list of my favorite adult, YA, and children’s fantasy books to help you escape the chaos of the real world, and enter the more magical chaos of the made-up. While YA is written for a teen audience, it is the most popular genre among all readers–and for good reason. These books are all bursting with magic, romance, and a healthy dose of drama, and many were ones that my middle and high school students enjoyed just as much as I did.

I hope you find a book you love, and one that allows both you and your kids to take a nice little mental vacation!

Young Adult Books

Cinder – Marissa Meyer

Cinder is a take on Cinderella, but the protagonist is a cyborg, who may have a secret identity that even she doesn’t know about, and is trying to save a kingdom from evil, as well as a mysterious and deadly pandemic. It might sound like there’s too much going on here, but somehow it works. This book has just the right amount of tension, romance, and surprise factor to keep you hooked for the long haul. I read the entire series with a few of my eighth graders several years ago, and we all thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. (And so did their moms.)

Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children – Ransom Riggs

Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children is my #1 most recommended book, to both teens and adults. The world-building in this book is second to none, and the characters are so real that I honestly feel like I know them.

The story follows a teen named Jacob who almost witnesses his grandfather’s mysteriously violent death, and then begins having nightmares about the imaginary “monsters” his grandpa used to tell him stories about when he was young. In an attempt to calm his anxious mind and come to terms with his personal tragedy, Jacob decides to pay a visit to his grandfather’s childhood home. Once there, he embarks on an adventure that transports him back in time, to a world full of magic, danger, and unexpected friendship.

It’s a story unlike any other, and I can still vividly picture so many of the scenes from this story, despite the fact that I read it several years ago. This is one of those books that honestly makes me question whether Riggs made this world up, or actually lived it…

The Selection

The Selection Series is the definition of fluff, which is exactly why it’s so wonderful. It’s about a girl who attends the “selection” event (which is basically The Bachelor, but without the cameras, plus a royal twist), and is “forced” to vie for the heart of the prince. It’s chock full of romance, rebellion, a juicy love triangle, and everything else you need to totally escape from reality for a few blissful hours. AND it’s a four book series, so you can set up camp in this alternate reality for a long time…

The Red Queen – Victoria Aveyard

The Red Queen is set in a world with two castes of people–the “Reds” who are essentially the lowly humans, and the “Silvers,” whose silver blood awards them supernatural abilities. The protagonist, Mare Barrow is the “regular” girl turned super hero we all dream of becoming. After tragedy strikes her already suffering family, Mare is forced to take up a position at the Silver palace. It is here, that she, and those around her, discover that she is more than she appears to be. Mare does some pretty bad-ass fighting, takes a stand for the little guy, and falls in love a time or two. It’s a fun read, and a great escape, and sends an important message about the dangers of divisiveness that is pretty perfect for our current moment.

The Watchmaker’s Daughter

The Watchmaker’s Daughter because it was different than most other fantasy novels I’ve read recently. The protagonist, India Steele, is the daughter of a watchmaker who dies unexpectedly, leaving his business to her two-faced fiancée instead of his own daughter. Desperate for work, India finds a job as the “assistant” to an American stranger–one who ends up having a very special watch that’ he is in urgent need of fixing. There’s a lot of mystery, a bit of magic, and a great romance, all set against a historical backdrop that will make you feel like you’ve been sent back in time. I listened to this one on audio, and highly recommend that format as well.

Children of Blood and Bone – Tomi Adeyemi

I read Children of Blood and Bone at the prompting of one of my students last year, and I am so glad I did. The book takes place in a divided world, where the reigning powers have suppressed the magic of the maji: white haired diviners who once wielded incredible power. The protagonist–Zélie–“accidentally” embarks upon a quest to restore power to the maji when she happens upon the young princess when trading in town. The story is full of shifting allegiances, and some pretty great plot twists, in which a few of the characters learn that power can be easily abused, and that the two castes of society who have grown to hate each other so much, might not be as different as they once thought. All the drama and intrigue, along with a subtle theme concerning the way in which violence and revenge will only ever breed more violence and revenge, as well as a diverse cast of characters, make this book a must-read for both teens and adults.

Adult Books

The Night Circus – Erin Morgenstern

Gah, what do I even say about this book? The Night Circus is unique, and complex, and completely engrossing. It follows the story of a group of magicians who set up a “circus” in the late 1800s. Two of the most preeminent magicians are life-long rivals, and each find a protegee to use as a tool in their competition with one another.

As the night circus evolves and the protegees grow up, their talents, and the magic of the circus becomes darker and more complex. Relationships get tricky, tragedy strikes, and the two young competitors find a surprising connection in one another.

This book was surprising at every turn, beautifully written, and incredibly fresh. A great read for lovers of the fantasy genre, and a perfect introduction to those who want to test the waters for the first time.

A Discovery of Witches – Deborah Harkness

A Discovery of Witches is a truly wonderful book. It follows the story of a witch (Diana) who would rather distance herself from her growing powers, and a vampire (Matthew) who is both drawn to her, and wary of the power she seems to possess.

When Diana stumbles upon an ancient book in the library, she sets in motion a chain of events that will turn her world upside down. The story follows Diana and Matthew as they travel back in time in search of answers about what kind of power the book really contains, as well as the secrets Diana’s family hid from her for so long. A great strong, smart female protagonist, and a thrilling love story, make this one of my most favorite fantasy books of all time.

The Vine Witch – Luanne Smith

Witches, romance, France and wine. What could be better? The Vine Witch’s unique take on the world of witchcraft transports readers to a vineyard in France, where a witch named Elena is just emerging from a 7-year curse. She returns to her home amongst the vines in order to reclaim what was once hers, and take revenge on the fiancée she thinks cast the spell on her in the first place. The characters in this novel are interesting and complex, and the setting will entrance you. I was delightfully surprised by both the romance, and a few of the plot twists, and very much enjoyed reading this one with a glass of red by my side.

Children’s Books

Flotsam – David Wiesner

THIS BOOK IS AMAZING. It’s a wordless picture book about a little boy who finds a camera on the beach. He takes the film in to get developed, and the pictures that are returned to him are a little more than surprising. It turns out that this lucky boy is one of a chain of children who have discovered the camera and have thus become privy to the secrets of some pretty amazing underwater creatures. This book will make your imagination run wild, and your heart feel full of the wonder of childhood.

Uni The Unicorn – Amy Rosenthal

Uni The Unicorn is a very cute story about a world where unicorns rule, and children are the real “mythical creatures.” Uni is a one-of-a-kind unicorn who ends up finding the little girl he has been waiting for, and who has also been waiting for him.

The Paper Bag Princess – Robert Munsch

The Paper Bag Princess is a great book for little girls, as it tells the story of a beautiful princess who is also intelligent and brave enough to outsmart the dragon who destroyed her home, and stole her “true love.” After the princess succeeds in her quest, she discovers that her prince doesn’t quite live up to her standards, and ends up deciding to move on to bigger and better things.

The Not Quite Narwhal – Jessie Sima

Not Quite Narwhal""” target=”_blank”>The Not Quite Narwhal tells the story of a little “narwhal” named Kelp who adventures across the ocean, only to learn that he is not, in fact, a narwhal at all. Kelp spends some time debating whether he should continue to live as an “imposter” narwhal, or join the unicorns he seems to have more in common with. In the end, he learns that you don’t have to be the same to fit in, and that our choices don’t always have to be so black and white.

My Father’s Dragon

This wonderfully whimsical story brought as much joy to me in adulthood as it did when I was a child. The story follows Elmer and his alley cat friend as they travel to the island of Tangerina. Here, they survive on tangerines and outsmart a crew of crocodiles in order to save an imprisoned baby dragon. It is a lovely read-aloud that will keep your kids hooked for nights on end, and is sure to make the whole family smile.

Honorable Mentions and The Classics:

Cultivating Gratitude in Everyday Parenthood.

Last Week, Laura Tremaine hosted an Instagram challenge called #onedayhh (i.e. One Day, Hour by Hour). I was intrigued, so I participated, and it turned out to leave much more of a lasting impact on me than I ever imagined that it would.

Laura Tremaine is a blogger, and the host of the podcast 10 Things to Tell You, which is a little bit like therapy, and a little bit like talking to your best friend. I originally started following Laura on social for her book recommendations (she has never steered me wrong), and continued to do so because I fell in love with her podcast, and the little bits of wisdom she shares every week.

The purpose of #onedayhh, I believe, was to allow people to show their “everyday” lives, outside of the highlight reel that is our normal Instagram experience. I decided to participate, firstly, because I was bored, and secondly, because I was curious; curious if I could find something worthwhile to take a picture of, every single hour, on a regular Thursday at home with my two young children.

On the day of #onedayhh, October 22nd, 2020, I woke up at the crack of dawn with my one-year-old son, Max, and my 12-week-old puppy, Lemon. The first thing I did was snap a photo of my son smothering the puppy with a full-body hug. Normally, I really hate these early morning hours. Normally, I am a real monster until my coffee is brewed, and then I am only kind-of a monster until at least 7 A.M. Normally, I would never want photographic evidence of this time of day.

But that morning, I spent some time noticing the way Max leaned into Lemon with such loving vigor, and the way Lemon took it, like an absolute champ, and even craned her neck away from where her body was pinned to the cold, concrete floor to give Max some sweet, slobbery kisses in return.

For the rest of the day, I found myself really looking forward to the sound of my phone timer’s hourly ding. Every time a new hour rolled around, I gave myself permission to stop, and come to a real awareness of the current moment in time. I encouraged myself to look around me, and find something worth capturing, whether because it was beautiful, or because it represented the sometimes small, and oftentimes big, feelings we all experienced that day.

By the end of the day, I had pictures of my kids playing in the woods, napping in the stroller, reading at the park, and enjoying a grilled cheese at our dining room table. I also had pictures of my husband trying to pop Max’s dislocated elbow back into it’s socket, and Max passed out on my shoulder after an hour-long bout of refusing to let him do so.

It was a day of highs and lows, with some special chaos sprinkled on top of the regular kind, but as I looked back on those photos, both last week, and again today, I found myself smiling at every, single, one.

Most days, by the time bedtime rolls around, I am so tired and drained that I end up projecting my discontented exhaustion on the rest of the day. I oftentimes hyper-focus on the myriad of ways in which I didn’t live up to the standard I set for myself that morning, and make a mental check list of the things I will have to roll over to tomorrow’s to-do list.

But at the end of #onedayhh, I was able to look back on all of the little moments we experienced that day, and know just how much we really accomplished. I had a record of my kids exploring their environment, and learning how to play (and fight) with one another. I had evidence of my own care-taking abilities, and was reminded of all work I put in to keeping them happy, healthy, and fed throughout the day. I had pictures of my husband, doing his best to take control of a difficult, and somewhat scary situation. When I look back at those pictures, I can see the learning that took place, both in my kids, and myself.

In the end, this challenge reminded me that it’s not really about where I end up at the end of the day that matters. Instead, it’s about recognizing all the beautiful moments that happen in the “in between,” and accepting that the wins I had that day, might not be the ones I wanted, or expected. This challenge showed me that by leaning into the little moments, we can really start to recognize all the love, growth and good that is happening amidst the mess that is everything we are “trying” (and often failing) to do.

While Laura Tremaine’s challenge only formally happens once a year, I hope to continue to participate in my own version of #onedayhh at least once a month. I might share it publicly, and I might not, but I want to make sure I remind current self, and a create record for my future self, of all the truly great, albeit small, things we achieve every day, and the ways in which the simplest of efforts can end up meaning so, so much.

Week in Review – October 25, 2019

What I’m Reading:

American Royals and Majesty – Katharine McGee

I read the first book in this series, American Royals, several months ago, and finally got around to picking up the sequel, Majesty. Both books tell the story of the world that would have been, had America been founded as a monarchy.

I found the premise of an American royal family delightfully entertaining, and was very much sucked into the characters’ relationship drama. It’s a light read, full of romance, intrigue, and a great villain, and I read both books in a single evening. These would be great vacation or road trip books, or fun to read with a friend (and a glass or two of wine).

The Daughters Of Yalta – Catherine Grace Katz

The Daughters of Yalta tells the story of Sarah Churchill, Anna Roosevelt and Kathleen Harriman, all of whom accompanied their famous fathers to the Yalta conference with Stalin towards the end of WWII.

This book was packed with fascinating historical tidbits, but what I enjoyed the most was the insight into the lives and minds of three young women who supported, stood-in for, and were sometimes critical of, their famous fathers. It was truly eye-opening and a little bit shocking (especially the part where Roosevelt jokes with Stalin about the “Jewish situation”), and it is definitely something I will be talking about for months to come.

It was so refreshing to read a book that put women at the forefront of history, especially one that was written by a woman I had the privilege of mentoring when I was a senior in high school. There is nothing more thrilling than discovering that people I knew and loved during my childhood and teenage years have grown up to do some truly amazing, and impactful, things in the world.

What My Kids Are Reading:

Once Upon a Unicorn’s Horn – Beatrice Blue

Our library opened this past week for in-person visitors, and this book was featured on the “new books” shelf that the librarian had curated. I missed these curated shelves so much, and it was such a treat to pick out a book that I knew the librarians had read and loved.

Once Upon a Unicorn’s Horn tells the story of a young girl who lives in a magical forest, and comes across some flying ponies on her morning walk. One of the ponies can’t fly, and the little girl tries to think of something to cheer him up. She and her parents decide to bring him an ill-fated ice cream cone, which ends up smashed on the tiny pony’s head–much like a “horn.”

The story is so simple and silly, but also a good reminder of the power of kindness, and the possibility of magic.

What I’m Listening To:

Unruffled: “Why Bribes and Threats Aren’t Helpful (And What to Do Instead) – Janet Lansbury

I found this podcast to be helpful, and a good reminder of some important parenting truths. Lansbury talked about the importance of setting clear boundaries for children, so as to prevent a lot of unwanted behaviors from ever happening in the first place. She also talked about how “the relationship we’re building with our children is the most important tool we have” when working with kids, which, as a former teacher, really rang true to me.

When I was teaching middle school, I learned (mostly through trial and error) that consequences and rewards only work if your students also like you (or, at least respect you). Being kind to students, gaining their trust, and trying to understand where they’re coming from (even when their behavior seems totally incomprehensible) is a crucial first step in managing behavior. The same goes at home, which is something that, especially at the end of a long day, or an even longer week, I oftentimes need to remind myself of.

My only issue with this episode is that it included “And What To Do Instead” in the title, but didn’t actually provide many practical alternatives to bribes and threats. Personally, I do make a conscious effort to build a trusting and understanding relationship with my daughter, but sometimes, we need to get to swim class on time, and she is still refusing to put the swimsuit on. My normal reaction to such a situation, is to remind her that I will have to “help her body” into the swimsuit if she decides not to do it on her own, but as she gets bigger (and I get more pregnant) this option will be available to me less and less often.

I would have loved if Lansbury could have gone through a few typical scenarios (Aka: My kid won’t get ready for school, or she won’t stay in her room for “quiet time,” or she refuses to brush her teeth), and explained what would work instead of bribing, when the activity you are asking kids to complete is not optional, or one that you can sit and discuss indefinitely.

What I’m Eating:

Healthy-Liv Sweet Potato Lentil Chili

I started making this chili when I was pregnant with my daughter almost four and a half years ago now. It’s healthy and filling, and great for pregnancy, since lentils are bursting with protein and high in folate. The recipe includes hearty ingredients like sweet potatoes and black beans, and plenty of spice. This recipe will leave you with a BOATLOAD of chili, so I usually freeze some, or make sure to have a few guests over for dinner whenever I make it.

Fit Men Cook Egg White, Nut Butter and Zucchini Brownies

If you aren’t following Fit Men Cook on Instagram yet, I’m not really sure what you’re waiting for. My friend introduced me to their account a few weeks ago, and it is one of my new favorites. The “Fit Men” of Fit Men Cook provide heath and fitness tips, mental health reminders, and amazing recipes. And they aren’t terrible to look at either.

The Egg White, Nut Butter and Zucchini Brownies were easy to make (especially if you use a food processor for the zucchini instead of grating it by hand) and absolutely delicious. These brownies allowed me to sneak a serving of vegetables into my kids’ diet, and that in itself is always a win.

What I’m Wearing:

Amazon Nighgown Dress

I know I probably shouldn’t be doing all of my shopping at Amazon, but I’m at a stage of my pregnancy (16 weeks) where it is difficult to find anything that fits. Most of my normal clothes are too tight, or too short, but I’m not quite big enough for maternity items yet.

This Amazon Nightgown Dress is only $30 and flattering for basically every body type. It comes in about a bazillion different colors (I own it in three), and is so comfortable. It’s long enough that I will probably be able to wear it for most of my pregnancy, and flattering enough that I’m sure it will be a postpartum favorite as well.

Hatch Maternity Overalls

While, as I said above, I’m not quite big enough for most maternity clothes, the Anytime Overalls from Storq Maternity are an important exception. I ordered them almost immediately after my first ultrasound, and they are already my new favorite closet staple. They are a cozy, and pretty substantial (there won’t be a lot of piling after washing, as I have seen with other, cheaper versions of this look), and the adjustable straps in the back allow these to be worn throughout an entire pregnancy, and postpartum period. They are so cozy, and have deep pockets that are perfect for storing all of the rocks my daughter collects on our afternoon walks. They are cozy enough to wear around the house, but also cute enough for brunch (which is where I wore them today).

Old Navy Dresses

I have been ordering the majority of my kids’ clothes from Old Navy for years (the prices can’t be beat, which is important when 9/10 outfits will be destroyed by spaghetti sauce in a matter of weeks). But for some reason, I didn’t start buying clothes for myself there until recently. Old Navy offers a ton of elastic-waist and/or empire-waist dresses that are perfect for my current stage of pregnancy (since they make room for the growing belly), and will also look cute after baby arrives. Most of the dresses below, including the one I am wearing in the first picture on this post, are linked on my LiketoKnow.it account, as well as in the clickable images below!

That’s all for this week guys! Thanks for stopping by, and have a wonderful week full of good books, good food, and Halloween fun!

Self-love in my third, first trimester

When I was pregnant with my son, I remember coming across an instagram post, written by a woman who had been discriminated against by her employer because she was pregnant. In the picture, she was holding a letter board that read, “pregnancy is not a disability.” She went on to talk about how, 8.5 months into her pregnancy, she could still do absolutely everything she did before she got pregnant, with the same degree of vigor and effectiveness. She talked about how employers shouldn’t see her as less capable when, in fact, she was even more capable of being successful at work than her non-pregnant peers.

Firstly, I want to say that this woman is absolutely correct on one point: discrimination against pregnant women is a travesty, and something that will ultimately only ever hurt employers, and our society as a whole. But I also remember reading this and thinking to myself, “yikes! If that’s true, then what the heck is wrong with me?” Because if I’m being real, pregnant me can’t do work, or even life, just as well as non-pregnant me. In fact, pregnant me does most things much, much worse.

I have always been a pretty competitive, high-strung, and perfectionist-leaning person by nature. I think that these traits have served me well in some ways (in school, for instance), and not in others (those aren’t always the first things we look for in a friend). When I (finally) got pregnant with my first, I quickly convinced myself that I would be successful at both pregnancy and motherhood, even if it was through sheer force of will.

I found out I was pregnant with my daughter in late May of 2016. I was in the final semester of my Master’s program, and was planning on spending the summer working essentially one-on-one with my boss as part of my field work requirement. At the end of the summer, when I finally felt comfortable sharing my pregnancy with the world, I “surprised” my boss, and my summer co-workers, with the news. They all responded with some version of, “we knew.”

While I truly believe that all of these people care about me, and have my best-interests at heart, this response stung a little. I was the kind of person who could push through anything. Even if I couldn’t hide the fact that I was eating plain toast for lunch every day, I could hide the bouts of extreme nausea, wear enough makeup to conceal the dark circles under my eyes, and sneak away to the bathroom whenever I felt a like I was going to faint. But, according to everyone around me, it was obvious that I wasn’t my “normal,” self. I was slower, and more forgetful, and much less efficient with my work. Yet despite this “setback,” I powered through the remainder of that year, and left for maternity leave with a glowingly positive performance review.

When I was pregnant with my second, I realized that the pregnancy I had had with my daughter was a walk in the park. The second time around, I spent less of my first trimester on summer vacation, and more of it running out of class at odd intervals in order to puke in the trash can outside my door. The cherry on top was that the pregnancy was also high-risk, and the emotional toll it took on me was almost as stressful as the physical one. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I was disabled, but I definitely was not the employee, mom, spouse, or friend that I wanted to be. The second time around, the reviews weren’t quite as positive, and I’m pretty sure my co-workers were ready for me to be done having babies.

I’m not saying any of this to garner pity from anyone. In fact, you shouldn’t pity me at all. I desperately wanted to have children and, despite the challenges I faced, I had a much easier time than a lot of women (including a lot of women I know) do. What I’m trying to say is that I found it impossible for pregnant me to live up to non-pregnant me’s standards. And while part of that involved coming to terms with the fact that I would not be able to give the same level of energy and attention to my job as I did when I was not pregnant, this also applied to other areas of my life.

This pregnancy (my third) has been different for me in a lot of ways, but the number one difference is that I’m not working. I am a full-time mom, who has the luxury of sleeping in until 6:30am (that’s a full hour and a half later than my work-day wakeup time), and playing with my adorable kiddos all day.

When I found out I was pregnant this past summer, I knew that it would probably be sick and tired again, but that it would be so much easier because I was home.

SPOILER ALERT: It wasn’t.

While I spent two pregnancies coming to terms with my perceived inadequacy as a pregnant woman at work, I now faced another 9 months of coming to terms with my inadequacy as a pregnant stay-at-home mom. For the first 13.5 weeks of this pregnancy (and yes, I count every day), I was pretty miserable. This time around, I wasn’t quite as sick as I was with my second, but I was nauseous all day and all night. I could stomach nothing but carbs, and I was totally exhausted. I experienced a few of the near-fainting spells that also plagued me during my previous pregnancy, and my moods were far from “stable.”

But this time around, as I lay on my son’s bedroom floor, cradling a sleeve of saltine crackers and wincing as my kids played “doctor” to me (this always involves a disproportionate amount of time spent investigating the health of my eardrums…) I realized that while I no longer felt like I was disappointing my students, or their families, or my colleagues, I did feel like I was disappointing my own kids, and myself. And honestly, this felt a little worse.

For some reason, my head kept going back to that original instagram post, and I kept berating myself for all the things not-pregnant me would have been doing, that pregnant me was too “lazy” (read: sick and tired) to even dream of accomplishing. I wasn’t meal prepping, or planning art projects and homeschool activities for my daughter. I wasn’t taking the kids on hikes, or to the beach as much as I should have. And I didn’t want to see my friends, or my kids’ friends, because I didn’t have the energy to hold down a conversation.

There was also the vain component of it all, wherein I felt like I was letting myself and my body down, since I have gained well beyond the suggested “5 pounds” of first trimester weight, largely thanks to my steady diet of crackers, mac and cheese, and ice cream.

One evening, as I was watching my daughter shriek the lyrics to the Frozen II soundtrack while wallowing in nausea and self-pity, I decided that I was sick and tired of allowing myself to feel feelings that I would never in a million years wish upon my own kids. I imagined my daughter, years from now, starting a family of her own, and complaining to me about how she felt less-than, and overwhelmed by the idea of “doing it all.” I imagined what I would tell her, and a quote that my therapist once told me came quickly to mind: “Your value is not determined by what you do. You are inherently valuable outside of your work.”

While there are some women who thrive in pregnancy, there are even more who don’t, and that doesn’t make one group of us better than the other. Just because I have floundered during the first trimesters of all three of my pregnancies, that does not make current me any less-than the past, much more productive versions of myself.

There’s a book that I love to read to my daughter, called I Like Myself by Karen Beaumont, and it’s all about a little girl repeatedly affirming her unconditional love for herself, weird bits and all. At one point in the book, the little girl says, “Even when I look a mess, I still don’t like me any less, ’cause nothing in this world you know, can change what’s deep inside, and so…”

I truly believe that sometimes these kid’s books are put in my life for a reason, and are meant more as a reminder for me, than a lesson for my daughter, because this little girl’s insistence on unconditional self-love is exactly what I need in my life right now.

Even though my clothes don’t fit, and my house is a mess, and we’re having frozen pizza for dinner again, I am still valuable, and worthy, and a good mom. And as I emerge from the fog of this (hopefully) last, first trimester, I hope to continue to remind myself every day that the best I do that day, is good enough, and that even if I feel like I’ve failed at basically everything, the only thing that really matters is that I let it go, and continue to speak to myself with the love and understanding I always deserve.

Where to next?